The Last Samurai is one of my favorite movies. The film vividly portrays the unwavering discipline and deep sense of purpose that have long been at the heart of Japanese culture, offering a dramatic glimpse into a society where honor, duty, and self-mastery shape every aspect of life. I couldn’t help but to feel a little shameful at the extra large bucket of buttered popcorn that I was shoving into my mouth with my greasy hands. What a contrast of culture!
In today’s parenting culture, especially in the United States, one phrase echoes louder than most:
“I just want my child to be happy.”
It’s a beautiful sentiment, and it clearly comes from a place of love. After all, what parent wouldn’t want to see their child smiling, laughing, and feeling fulfilled? And I have family members engrossed in immorality and sin, but parents continue to enable by regurgitating “they seem happy.” But happiness is fleeting. Raising children focusing on happiness as a goal will invariably and unintentionally lead them to great disappointment.
Apparently, many Japanese parents, particularly mothers, take a different approach. Research shows that while American mothers prioritize their children’s emotional well-being, Japanese mothers often emphasize their children finding a “reason for being,” known as ikigai.1
Happiness Is a Byproduct, not a Destination
Happiness is emotional, temporary, and often circumstantial. It rises and falls with success and failure, relationships, the weather, and even random chance. In fact, the very root of the word is tied to “happening,” meaning, happiness is experienced while something or conditions are met or “happening.” When we instill in our children that it is important for them to “be happy,” we risk teaching them to avoid discomfort and pain, and chase short-term pleasure, or worse, define reality in unrealistic terms in order to achieve personal happiness. But most psychologists will be quick to point out that personal and emotional growth and a greater sense of well-being stem from places and experiences of darkness and discomfort, perseverance, and delayed gratification.
Purpose is Steadfast
Purpose serves more as a guiding star that persists even through storms. Resilience is a direct result of purpose. When a person loses their way, it is the tenacity of purpose that directs them back onto the straight path. For example, I floundered in college. I thought I wanted to pursue music as a career—it was my “passion.” However, after going through a horrible emotional crisis, I became very focused to become an English teacher. With that renewed purpose, I focused on my education, made the Dean’s List, and earned my degree. What made me “happy” was music. What gave me “purpose” was education. Purpose gives us something larger than ourselves to serve, to nurture, and to protect. And ironically, people who live with purpose often report feeling deeper, more lasting happiness as a side effect.
Purpose Connects Us to the World
One of my all-time favorite child cartoons is Dreamwork’s Joseph, King of Dreams. Josephs grows from a spoiled brat into the second most powerful man in Egypt. In one of his songs, he sings:
The seasons fly, a man stands where a boy once stood.
His path unfolds, and unafraid he walks in service of a greater good,
You’ve got to give a little more than you take.
You’ve got to leave a little more than was here.
You maybe prideful of the strides you will make,
But keep one thing clear.
You’re just a player in a much bigger plan.
And still you have to give it all that you can.
The very measure of your soul is at stake.
You’ve got to give a little more than you take.
The character morphs from a self-absorbed brat into a purpose-driven adult recognizing the need to leave a legacy. In so doing, he inadvertently saves his entire lineage. Unfortunately, people confuse “what” they are with “who” they are. For example, if a person is born from a Jewish mother, he or she has Jewish blood. That is what they are. However, if a Jew is Torah observant, that is “WHO” they are. If a person is homosexual, that is what they are. It is NOT “WHO” they are. No more than being heterosexual is “who” I am. What we are is comprised of those traits and characteristics that make us all different and unique. But “WHO” we are is defined by the boundaries established through faith, morals, and purpose. The question of “Who” cuts through the noise and drives to the very character and moral fabric of our existence. While some desire to make sexual identity a “who” issue, it simply is not.
To contrast these approaches, consider what core questions are answered:
| Happiness Driven | Purpose Driven |
| Am I happy? | How can I contribute? |
| Am I comfortable? | Who can I help? |
| Is this easy? | What is worth struggling for? |
These subtleties emanate outward into adulthood, creating citizens, leaders, artists, scientists, and teachers who aren’t just seeking personal attention or vain satisfaction but are actively enriching the communities and the world around them.
When children are raised to pursue purpose, they learn that they matter — not because they’re happy, but because they can make a difference–not because they have personal preferences, but because they can lay down their personal preferences in deference to OTHERS preferences.
Building Purpose Starts Early
The bible teaches that we are to “Train up a child in the way he should go, And when he is old he will not depart from it” (Proverbs 22:6). This is more than getting them to recite John 3:16. Jewish children are required to memorize nearly all the book of Deuteronomy by the age of 10! Training a child is akin to “training your sights on a target,” like aiming a gun. It is helping your child focus on what is important, disregarding those things that should not matter. It is helping children to comprehend what a purpose-driven life looks like.
It means:
- Letting them experience failures as well as success.
- Encouraging curiosity and problem-solving, not just perfect performance.
- Asking bigger questions: Instead of “What do you want to be when you grow up?” ask, “What problems do you want to solve?” Instead of asking children to do whatever is easiest, ask them, “What would you work hard for, even if it was difficult?”
- Value the process over the product. Everyone wants to be a success. But there are a lot of bad performances between amateur and virtuoso.
- Focus on perseverance, positive relationships, creativity, and responsibility over the easiest and fastest route to happiness.
Purpose is to teach them that life’s meaning isn’t handed to them — it’s something they discover or create, one moment at a time, through effort, compassion, and contribution.
I worked on a staff where we had a tradition of dedicating babies to God. To be honest, it is a weird Christian practice. But our senior clergy always gave a rose to the mother. He would tell them, “Like this rose, your child will blossom, little by little, like the pedals of a rose.” The flower doesn’t just BURST open one day in full bloom. It is a slow process that takes time, as one pedal is exposed at a time, until finally the rose, in all of it’s splendor, reveals all of its pedals. So it is with raising children. We focus on one pedal at a time.
In the end, the goal shouldn’t be to raise children who are just happy. It should be to raise children who are equipped to live meaningful lives full of purpose, connection, and resilience. True happiness will be a beautiful byproduct.