I heard a story about a man who died in a small town. His name was Willie, and he was a plumber. As the only plumber in the area, he took advantage of the townsfolk for years, amassing quite a fortune over his lifetime. As a result, Willie was reviled in the community. Upon his death, Willie’s wealthy widow approached the pastor at the local Baptist church and said, “I will donate $1,000,000 to the church if, during the eulogy, you say ‘Willie was a good man.’” The minister paused and then said, “Let’s be honest, Willie took advantage of so many people. I just don’t think I can say that with a good conscience.” The widow pulled out her checkbook and post-dated a check for $1,000,000 to the church and signed it. She told the young minister, “Think of all the good you can do with this.”

The day of the funeral, the pastor thought of all the building upgrades that were needed at the church, all the families that were in need, and how he could use the money to support other local ministries. Resolute, he stood at the podium in front of the casket and said, “Hitler. Stalin. Mussolini. Lenin. Mau. These men have gone down in history for the horrible atrocities they committed in their lifetimes. But compared to them, ‘Willie was a good man.’”

Doing Alright

Last week I watched a documentary about Brian Johnson. Johnson became famous as “The Liver King,” a social media influencer known for eating raw animal organs, including hearts, testicles, and livers. I DO NOT recommend watching it. One vivid scene has the Liver King, his wife, and his two teenage sons shoot a bull, cutting the testicles off while the heart is still beating, and then eating them. It was at this very moment that I said to myself, I have been a good father! I haven’t been GREAT, but I have been good. I realize that, despite all my doubts and occasional missteps as a father, I’m doing just fine. I may not always have the answers or get everything right, but at least I’m not putting my kids through primal eating rituals that border on barbarianism. Perspective is everything—and sometimes, it comes from the strangest places.

The Provider

Like most fathers, I carried the unspoken responsibility of being a provider. My wife works too. This is not to discount her significant financial contribution to the family. The drive in many fathers is not necessarily to “bring home the bacon”, but is rooted in a deep desire to protect, support, and empower the members of the family. Workaholic tendencies aren’t always about ambition—they’re often about love.

I have said many times that I get up too early and work too late to be disrespected by my children. I am not sure they always understood that.

The Academic Boost

Research backs what many of us already know intuitively: kids do better when Dad is around. Numerous studies have shown that the presence of an engaged father can significantly improve a child’s academic performance. Children with active, supportive fathers are more likely to earn better grades, have higher self-esteem, and develop stronger cognitive and language skills.

This doesn’t mean a father has to be perfect—far from it. It means he must be present. As much as I hate that a mother cannot replace the role of a father, research supports that the small moments of a father in the house shifts a child’s self-perception in positive ways.

The Playground Phenomena

I run every day in a local park that has a large playground which is usually very active. In truth, it is mostly mom’s sitting on a bench while the children run around and have a blast. Occasionally, I will see another man pushing his kid on a swing or playing hide and seek. One observation that has been made over and over is the distinct roles that moms and dads assume on the playground. If you watch a child in a swing, moms instinctively think of protection and safety. You may here them repeat “be careful,” or “not too high.” But when DAD is there and he is pushing the child in the swing, the child often gleefully screams, “higher, daddy, higher!” Mothers represent the safety net. Fathers represent aspiration. Mothers are concerned about the fallout. Fathers are concerned about how high we can go. Remove the father from a home, children often only learn how to self-protect without the ambition to set significant goals.

Being Dad

My adult children live a long way from me now. They are making life decisions that don’t always align to my personal faith and values, and the faith and values in which they were raised. It is painful. But I am still dad. I paid for car repairs, paid their school loans when they were in college, and did everything in my power to be sure they were safe and cared for.

I visited my kids last month. During my stay, I fixed cars, bought tools, ordered knife sets, and bunch of other things that we dads do to help improve the lives of our children. I was happy to do it. But when they forgot to send a card for their mother on Mother’s Day, I lost it. I sent a very nasty text to each of them individually. One called me immediately. I loved and respected that. The other two ghosted me. We parents don’t need expensive gifts. We don’t need fanfare and social media posts. We just want respect. And while that looks very different with a mother than with a father, it is quite simple. Once a year, just look around and say, “thanks, dad.”